Thursday, October 05, 2006

I probably should just let this go... I entered a contest a while ago, to write a two hundred, fifty word vignette inspired by a picture of the moon in a cloudy night sky. I lost of course, and promptly forgot about it. It just dawned on me that I hadn't kept a copy and it took me a while to track this thing down. Do me a favour - don't read it. I liked it better at two hundred, ninety-eight words. I've put it here for my own amusement. I was reminded of this today when I entered Kimmy's latest blogpoint contest at The Smug Cloud.

Entry #57
Peter's Story by Susan Barr

He really didn't like being out on a night like this because he might be seen. He preferred moonless and cloudy. The best nights were ruined now, though - people seemed to be drawing their curtains earlier. Damn it.

He enjoys looking in windows, catching snapshots of lives. They seem oblivious, even now. Must choose quickly because soon someone will remember and dart to the side of the window to hastily close him out.

A car is moving slowly down the street toward him. They'd increased patrols, hadn't they?

"Getting something of a name for myself" he thought smugly.

Peter put his case down before they got close enough to focus on him. There were two, each scanning a different side of the street. Cocky looking bastards. He nodded at the driver and tried to look friendly and curious. He'd discovered that worked. They didn't stop - hadn't spotted his case. Relief.

As the car rounded the corner he hastened on. He really had to hurry now because they'll come round again. Choose quickly. A room with one dim side lamp and a television flickering in the corner. A woman, head down, reading, husband watching tv. Boring. He moved on. There! Perfect! It was 'just so'. Two men and two women seated at the table. He took his rifle out of its case and adjusted the scope. Nice. Flowers on the table too. He wished he could stay to savour it all. The host raised his glass.

"Cheers, you bald bastard!"

5 Comments:

At 1:11 AM, Blogger Maxine said...

Susan, I was hypnotised by your vignette (I always read things when people tell me not to).
Maybe one reason is that it just seems so "not you". Your hidden self is apparent here.

But please, keep writing. I think you are good.

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger Susan said...

Maxine! You think my hidden self is a psycho killer?! My hidden self is a scared little rabbit afraid of psycho killers.

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger Maxine said...

Well, whatever it is, Susan, keep writing! I hope you are going to enter Skint's latest competition, he's roped me in as a judge and I hope we get some entries by people who can write even half as well as you can. You are very good at conveying atmosphere, which many professionally published writers cannot do.

 
At 1:07 AM, Blogger Minx said...

Susan, I thought this was great! You have a knack for holding tension. It is paced nicely (not easy in so few words) and structured well. I will echo Maxine when I say that you must enter Skint's comp. Get to it!!

 
At 12:50 PM, Anonymous clare said...

Good writing Susan. I enjoyed this - I thought it pacy and the voice was strong.

Ha - 'Don't read this' - guaranteed to get us all reading! We're so disobedient.

 

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