Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Results Are In

The Department of English at San Jose State University announced this year's winners of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest today. In case you haven't heard, the contest asks entrants to submit the worst opening line for an imaginary novel. Retired mechanical designer Jim Guigli seemed quite motivated to win this year, submitting sixty separate entries. He won with

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.

Runner-up was Stuart Vasepuru of Edinburgh, Scotland with

"I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?' - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' - well do you, punk?"

In the Adventure category, Irene Buttuls of Lytton, B.C won with

Christy, lounging in the gondola which slipped smoothly through the enveloping mist had her first inkling that something was afoot as she heard pattering hooves below (for our story is not in Venice but Switzerland with its Provolone and Toblerone) and craning her not unlovely neck she narrowed her eyes at the dozen tiny reindeer, pelting madly down the goat trail.

Runner-up Christin Keck of Kent, OH offered:

She looked at her hands and saw the desiccated skin hanging in Shar-Pei wrinkles, confetti-like freckles, and those dry, dry cuticles--even her "Fatale Crimson" nail color had faded in the relentless sun to the color of old sirloin--and she vowed if she ever got out of the Sahara alive, she'd never buy polish on sale at Walgreen's again.

There are a lot more of these jewels here!


At 11:02 AM, Anonymous clare said...

This is excellent, Susan! I'd not heard about this before - such a splendid idea. I'd heard of bad endings, but beginnings are just as good.


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